Human after all

I just bought a 30-day pack of Lida on my in-debt credit card.
I am so excited. I even ordered expediated shipping for $10.99.
From what I hear, it really works. And I really need it to.
I can't find motivation these days. Even at the gym...I use to spend so much more time, like 45 mins+ on those elipticals. Now I can barely get 20 mins in and I have more free time. I also have an exam tomorrow, oops.

God, I cannot believe how much I have changed. How I use to obsess over fashion magazines, supermodels, those lj ana communities...they took over my life. But then college came and I realized that life could be fun, ha. No, just kidding. My life was never really bad. I was just spoiled and a brat who was never satisfied. I always always want more. I want to be thinner, prettier, taller, smarter...and the only thing I can really control right now is weight, right? Maybe being smarter.

So do I miss it? Oh yeah. I still have my most miserable moments. But mostly, I just wanna be happy and confident about who I am.

This summer in a college town is too calm. I miss the wild days of freshman year. I'm still glad I didn't go home though.

I deleted N off my facebook. Not like he gives a shit about me. But as far as he knows, we are still on good terms? Some of the boys came back last weekend and threw a party. I basically ignored him until he said hi to me. See, that's what I don't get. After what happened between us, he can't just ignore me like I'm ignoring him? Why is he trying to be friendly and acting as if nothing happened? As if everything is alright between us? Seriously. Guys are too cool. Nothing is ever a big deal to them.

While I'm left feeling ashamed and embarrassed.

One day, when I feel like it (which is probably very soon), I am going to write every good and bad memory and compare them. I'll talk about my feelings and shit and get angry and sad. Be prepared.

In other words, I discovered an online lending library. There's not much choice, but...it's books! Eeeeek, I am so excited. Almost as excited for my Lida pills.