Haunting me

Just remembered a cute memory.
This one time, after Nate and I had fooled around, we laid on the futon. He was touching my stomach and then he has like "You have such a small belly button!" And I was like whaaat and touched his. I mean, I thought it was normal sized but he claimed it was huge...

I'm a small girl. I'm 5'3" and he's over 6'. He always teases me, small hands, small feet, etc.

I don't know why I thought that was so cute. Just the way he says things randomly.

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I've been on Lida (apetite supressent) for about a little over a week now. I've been eating on and off. Anyways, I've been feeling gasy and not like farty, but like it goes up my throat and I have to burp and belch all the time. Well today I ate some cherries and chips...not much. But then I went to the gym and the gasy feeling got so bad I ended up having to go to the bathroom and throw up. I'm wondering if this gasy feeling is because of the lack of food (like those starving children with bloated stomachs) or if it's because of Lida or the lactic acid buildup from the gym (even though I was only running for like 10 mins) or something else...

I just feel shitty. I feel uncomfortable and tired and depressed all the time.

In other news, I finally weighed myself at the gym and I've gone from 113 to 109. Yippie!

Continued.

I don't understand girls who eat whatever they want. Guys are different; their metabolisms are crazy. But girls? It's rare to see a girl who's skinny nowadays. No offense. But I see some really pretty girls, who were in good shape younger but high school and college have put on weight.

How can they not notice? How can they stand to look at their fat? To put on a bathing suit or a dress? To be noticed by guys? To get naked with a guy? To look at food and put it into their mouths? At least eat something healthy! The thought of putting any junk or fatty food into my body petrifies me. I wouldn't want that in my body, my hips and thighs. God.

I can't ever imagine that. I hate my fat.
Even if I reach my goal, I will always live in the constant fear of gaining, of losing that perfect figure I have achieved. So this charade will never end.

I can't stand this feeling right now. This fat around my hips. I fucking hate love handles. God, I feel sick. It feels so heavy, I want to just cut it off.

Quod me nutrit me destruit

Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.

Time spent wasting is not wasted time.

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

A moment on the lips, forever on the hips.

You can never be too rich or too thin.

You will be tempted quite frequently. You will have to choose whether to enjoy yourself wholly for those 20 minutes or so that you will be consuming excess calories, or whether you will despise yourself cordially for the next three days.

It's simple: You decide once and for all that you aren't going to eat, and there are no further decisions to make.

I do eat normally: only what is needful for survival. I can't help it that we live in a piggish society where gluttony is the norm, and everyone else is constantly stuffing themselves.

I want my collarbones and hips to be as sharp as my mind.

I have a rule when I weigh myself. If I've gained then I starve the rest of the day. But if I've lost, then I starve too.

Your body is the baggage you must carry through life. The more excess baggage the shorter the trip.

I don't care if it hurts, I want to have control, I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul.

I want to be the smallest I can possibly be...when I see bone, that's the day I will finally feel free...

I'm not starving myself. I'm perfecting my emptiness.

Don't eat. If you want to see food, look in the mirror at your thighs.

Good habits result from resisting temptation.

You want food? Look at those THIGHS!

Don't eat anything today that you'll regret tomorrow.

Feathers

The Lida came. I took one the first day and felt great. No hunger, good mood, energetic and I swear it even cured my hangover. The second day I took another one. This time I got super jittery and sick feeling. Basically laid in bed all day. Drank some water and tried to force down some food. Today is day 3. I didn't take one this morning because I was still feeling just jittery effects. I talked to some people who have taken Lida. Some experienced jitters but not as bad as mine.

As I just super sensitive to drugs or what? Maybe I'll just take them every other day. I really miss being 100 pounds. I'm seriously like..113-115 now :(

And this weekend. I saw N very briefly at the party on Saturday. He came late and I came early. By 1am I was already super drunk and high and I decided to go home with some of my friends. He was with Kiley. Now I like Kiley, but she and her boyfriend just broke up and I know she has always had a thing for N. She even suggested that we have a threesome, not sure if she is joking, but she keeps mentioning it...

Now I'm left wondering, did they hook up? I know they did once before--while they were both still with their significant others--but not much happened. And I know she wants more. She was kinda hanging over him at the party, but I was fucked up so maybe not.

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One of my friends came to visit me and my guy friend over the weekend. The guy friend commented on us sharing clothes since we are both very into fashion, etc. But this girl friend is about 2 inches taller than me and I have tried on some of her clothes before and they were kinda big. So I say "I don't think we wear the same size." She goes WHAT?! and gets all offended. She claims she is the same size as me. I tell her she is basically calling me fat because I am shorter than her and therefore shouldn't be wearing the same size. She tries to tell me she wears a size 26 (I checked her jeans, they were size 27). I wear a 24 or 25. Even that's not the same size. She also tells me she wears a small (but some of her shirts and dresses say M on them). She asked how much I weigh. I said about 110. She said, "Same, I'm like 115."

Pffft. Sorry, I'm really annoyed with her because she thinks she's the shit and she is definitely fatter than me. Def over 115.

Human after all

I just bought a 30-day pack of Lida on my in-debt credit card.
I am so excited. I even ordered expediated shipping for $10.99.
From what I hear, it really works. And I really need it to.
I can't find motivation these days. Even at the gym...I use to spend so much more time, like 45 mins+ on those elipticals. Now I can barely get 20 mins in and I have more free time. I also have an exam tomorrow, oops.

God, I cannot believe how much I have changed. How I use to obsess over fashion magazines, supermodels, those lj ana communities...they took over my life. But then college came and I realized that life could be fun, ha. No, just kidding. My life was never really bad. I was just spoiled and a brat who was never satisfied. I always always want more. I want to be thinner, prettier, taller, smarter...and the only thing I can really control right now is weight, right? Maybe being smarter.

So do I miss it? Oh yeah. I still have my most miserable moments. But mostly, I just wanna be happy and confident about who I am.

This summer in a college town is too calm. I miss the wild days of freshman year. I'm still glad I didn't go home though.

I deleted N off my facebook. Not like he gives a shit about me. But as far as he knows, we are still on good terms? Some of the boys came back last weekend and threw a party. I basically ignored him until he said hi to me. See, that's what I don't get. After what happened between us, he can't just ignore me like I'm ignoring him? Why is he trying to be friendly and acting as if nothing happened? As if everything is alright between us? Seriously. Guys are too cool. Nothing is ever a big deal to them.

While I'm left feeling ashamed and embarrassed.

One day, when I feel like it (which is probably very soon), I am going to write every good and bad memory and compare them. I'll talk about my feelings and shit and get angry and sad. Be prepared.

In other words, I discovered an online lending library. There's not much choice, but...it's books! Eeeeek, I am so excited. Almost as excited for my Lida pills.